Being the director of your own romantic comedy is empowering. As we move forward in creating your amazing movie series, I am excited to share this guest blog by the amazing Michelle Martin Dobbins. This excerpt of her book RELATIONSHIP ALCHEMY will provide you with additional insight and tools on how to heal existing relationships and invite new, fulfilling relationships into your life. Michelle is a writer who deeply believes in, lives and teaches The Law of Attraction. We are very much aligned in our outlook and approach to life, and our calling to help others. If you want to find out more about Michelle visit her site at www.dailyalchemy.com
Be Your Own Love (an excerpt of Relationship Alchemy)
When you are looking for a new love, you might feel like you are missing something. The truth is, often we have to do or be what we think we seek from someone else, before someone else comes along who can give it to us. If you are waiting for someone else to make you feel loved, then it’s likely that even if you find a wonderful partner, nothing they can do will make you feel loved for very long. If we are hoping for outside validation that we are lovable, we are bound to be disappointed. We need to know that we are lovable and love ourselves first.
Self-love improves every facet of your life. The more you care for yourself, the better your life will be. Self-love is not selfish. You have to raise your own vibration to be able to have energy to devote to others, and to be sustainably happy. Put your own life vest on first, or oxygen mask, as the travel metaphor may be. There are many ways to improve self-love, and I share some general self-love resources end of the book. For now, let’s focus on ways to improve self-love that focus on romance.
We want to feel loved, adored, and secure in our romantic relationships. Think of how you will feel when you are in your ideal relationship and create ways to feel that way now. Some will methods will be specific to you, but I’ll share some examples of techniques you might want to try.
If you haven’t read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you might want to look at it. He lets us know that different people can have different things that make them feel loved in a relationship. The five types he lists are: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service, and physical touch. Take some time to think of which of these appeal to you the most, and then do things for yourself that satisfy these needs. Once you fill up your own love tank, you aren’t so desperate for someone else to do it for you — and that’s makes you more attractive to others. This is also a great skill to use once you are in a relationship. You can use this to learn how to give to your partner and how to make requests from them. Remember, one person can’t be everything to another, and you should still continue to give love to yourself.
Love is verb first, taking loving actions leads to loving feelings. Here are some ideas in each category:
Words Of Affirmation: Take the time several times a day to talk to yourself as you would a lover. Tell yourself how great you look, and how you appreciate the time that you took to style your hair or exercise and make your body feel great. It’s helpful to look in the mirror when you do this. You can say these words in your head or out loud if you feel comfortable. Write yourself a love note, listing all the qualities your love about yourself. I did this once and hid the letter — and I smiled so much when I found it years later. You might also want to leave little uplifting sticky notes around for you to see with messages like “You look awesome today.” or “Thanks for being you.”
Receiving Gifts: Buy yourself little things you enjoy. Don’t hesitate to buy yourself flowers, jewelry, or other things that you think of as a desirable gift from a significant other. You might want to sign up for a program like birchbox.com or graze.com that send you samples of grooming products, healthy snacks, or something else you enjoy once a month in the mail. It will be like getting a surprise box of presents. You could also find a friend to exchange little gifts with once a month, if you like to be surprised.
Quality Time: Many of us feel strange about spending quality time with ourselves but it can be very rewarding. You can make dates with yourself to go the movies, lunch, hiking, etc. If you are a person that particular enjoys going on outings with people then make plans to do these activities with your friends, and don’t skip them even if you don’t have a “date.” I still recommend everyone taking time to have a “date” even for just an hour or two by yourself once a week, even once you have a romantic relationship. It can be very transformative, helping you get more in touch with who you are and what you enjoy, when you plan an outing that no one has to enjoy but you.
Acts of Service: You can take time to do things for yourself, too, which can sometimes be rewarding, like taking the time to cook yourself a special meal or organize a closet that has been bugging you. However, acts of service often make us smile because they represent a break from doing something we don’t like to do. For example, my husband always drives when we go places together, because he knows that I don’t enjoy driving. Driving myself places wouldn’t feel like an act of love, because I’m doing something I don’t enjoy. Still, I could take a cab, bus, or even pay someone to drive me somewhere I need to go. You can pay someone to cook you a meal, clean your garage, or cut your grass. A nice way to say “I love you” to yourself is to pay someone else to complete something you dislike doing. If you are on a budget, look for a friend to swap tasks with. You could mow their lawn and they could clean your closet. Do things for each other that the other dislikes doing.
Physical Touch: You might on think their is only one way to do this, but there are lots of ways to receive the sensory input “high touch” people crave. If you like massages, schedule them regularly and think of them as part of your self care, not a luxury but a necessity. Also, take time to regularly caress you body with lotions that feel and smell good. Choose clothing and bed sheets that feel good on your skin. You can give yourself hugs and you can learn simple forms of healing touch, like reiki, and do self-healing sessions. If you have a child you’re close to, they love to give hugs and cuddles. Another way to help reach you touch quotient is to get a pet that likes to cuddle. I’ve had both cats and dogs that liked to sleep snuggled up to me or sit in my lap.
You can also your desire for touch in a way that helps others. I volunteered for a few years in a hospital, to rock and cuddle the premature babies. Often, these babies were in the hospital so long that their parents had to go back to work, and the hospital staff doesn’t have time to just sit and hold them. These babies directly need sensory input, and caring for them will give you a smile that will last for days. I also have a friend who is known for giving hugs. He hugs everybody every time he sees them. He jokes that he just needs his daily hug quota, but I know he raises my spirit with his hugs. It’s a way to be uplifting to others. You may want to find a community of people who like are “touchy,” for example, Unity churches are notoriously places where most everyone will hug you. One that I attended even had a part of every service where everyone went around and hugged everyone else. Even though I’m not usually hand-on with everyone, I admit this “hug therapy” was nice.
Even when you have a partner the need to be your own love never goes away. Don’t place all of the burden on your lover. You must love yourself first and always for any other relationship to be successful.
If you are interested in purchasing the whole book, it is available on amazon.com.
I hope you enjoyed the read and I’m looking forward to receiving some feedback from you. Please let me know in the comments section or on my facebook page what resonated with you, what steps you will take today to heal your relationships and to improve your life and how its working for you. And as always, if you have any questions or need any guidance feel free to contact me!
Here’s to you, creating your Turned-On relationships! Take 2.