Do you believe every person you date should like and love you,
otherwise you think something is wrong with you?
Do you go out of your way to make people think good things about you?
You don’t rock the boat or speak your opinions to keep the “peace and love”…
Are you disappointed when someone doesn’t like and love you,
even if you don’t like them?
Are You Arrogant to want everyone to like and love you?
Are you laughing or in shock?
I was amazed when I found out I was unconsciously believing everyone had to love and like me or there was something wrong with me.
It is funny and sad to think this was a belief I set up as a child for my own survival as a sensitive and empath. If you are empathic and sensitive you most likely have this belief running in your subconscious mind and limiting your relationships.
Do you want to understand why you care so much about people liking and loving you? Then watch the video and read further.
Growing up sensitive means we have the ability to tuned into other people’s feelings and emotions and whatever feelings are running through the collective consciousness at any time. Experiencing this amount of information without knowing how to care for ourselves and process the information can feel painful, unhealthy and anxiety producing. We can experience feeling overwhelmed, anxious, unworthy, broken-not enough, shy, and weak to name a few qualities when we don’t understand what is going on. As children we find ways to deal with these feelings that we don’t understand that are useful as a child but may hold us back from thriving as a mature adult.
As sensitive children we react and try to manage the over stimulation to our nervous systems by:
- Shutting down our own feelings,
- Taking care of others who are in pain, so we don’t have to feel it,
- Putting up literal or energetic walls, isolating ourselves or distracting ourselves with addictions, TV, games, sex…
- Disconnect from others because we can’t trust ourselves or allow ourselves to be intimate/vulnerable with others.
It is out of survival the sensitive child makes these choices to tune out over time, to relieve their stressed nervous system by
not feeling themselves.
This is why, sensitives have trouble maintaining healthy boundaries with others. When we start to shut down feeling the bad stuff as children, we also close ourselves off to feeling the joy, love and pleasures of life. When we close ourselves off to experiencing life and feeling what is important to us, we make other people matter more than us. We end up trying to control our feelings by controlling other people’s feelings about us. Only, then can we feel for a brief moment, connection, freedom and safety.
We let others lead us because we can’t trust ourselves to
know our own desires.
When we stop feeling, we move into our heads, thinking about everything instead of feeling from our hearts. This is why we put everyone else first, their hearts matter more than ours. Because we can feel the pain of not honoring and loving ourselves, we want for them what we want for ourselves. We wish there was someone like us to love us and set us free. What we don’t realize is we can’t do the inner work for someone else. We each need to do our own maturing.
As empaths and sensitives we move into thinking about our feelings instead of feeling them. To heal and mature into adults who can thrive in healthy relationship to the world around them, we need to begin living from the inside out; feeling our feelings, creating healthy boundaries for intimacy and meeting our needs first.
I know this feels weird right now to you, because I’m unraveling a belief you’ve had for a long time that has had you living a backwards life and it influences every choice you
make in your professional and personal life and well-being.
It takes time to wrap your mind around this.
Take your time diving deep into this.
Are you asking, How could I be living such a lie, treating myself like I don’t matter and treating everyone else like their royalty? Where is my compassion for myself?
Be easy on yourself, remember we were very young children making survival choices and then they became habit. They worked for us when we were young, but hold us back as adults.
Once you see what is going on, you can make new choices and shift everything in your life to honor and support your needs and desire.
As children, we are naturally narcissistic; everything is about us. We are the center of our universe. If something is wrong with our world, and no one will fix it for us, we assume we’re broken. We might even be told by some thoughtless adults who don’t know better, that there is something wrong
with us. If we were in a family that didn’t respect individuality, we were taught to fit in or be physically, emotionally or spiritually abandoned or abused.
Our sense of survival is to belong to a tribe or family where we feel safe and secure. We believe we must first feel safe and secure to be able to vulnerably express ourselves. From childhood through adulthood we are always looking for the place, the tribe, the someone where we can feel safe and be free to be us, even when we have no idea what that means to be us. We are seeking our true expression even though we are not allowing ourselves to desire it.
I think our soul is always creating relational circumstances that will lead us to discover our inner strengths and personal power.
Habitually trained we look at challenges as evidence of how weak and unworthy we are. The tragic thing is, we’ll never feel love or safety looking for validation outside ourselves. We’re always a thought away from not being valuable enough, not good enough, or not perfect enough, because WE are the ONE DEFINING WHO WE ARE and DECIDING WHAT WE FEEL. We’ve made up a belief, a rule, that we need to please everyone rather than just BE ourselves because it is safer.
As sensitives, we are so aware of what isn’t working, the elephants in the room and what it would take to fix the problem that we become natural care takers and problem solvers. Our value to the tribe comes from “Doing” valuable things within the tribe rather than authentically “Being” ourselves. We grow up thinking our value is in our “Doing” to meet other’s needs first for more connection to love and safety.
Life is about Being not Doing
So, can you see how an immature you, can developed an arrogant idea that everyone must love and like you?
Can you see that in this is a tall order that is impossible? And to continue believing it would only serve you in fulfilling the LIE of how broken and unworthy you are because not everyone will love you.
If you think that every wo/man you date must like or love you, you’ll never feel safe or be free “BE YOU.” You will always be outward focused thinking I need to do __________ to be loved, to feel safe, to deserve to have _________?
Caring that people love or like you makes you more
outward driven than inward driven.
What do I mean by inward and outward driven?
Outward driven is making everyone and everything outside of you more important than your own needs and desires and looking for answers outside of yourself.
Caring more about what others think than what you feel. Inward driven means you are looking within to find answers and guidance as to what matters to you, what feeds your soul, what feels good, right and inspiring, and fulfills your needs and desires.
Can you see how this limited outward focus of people pleasing will never allow you to find your soulmate, lovers or trusting friendships? If you can’t be intimate and vulnerable with yourself, you won’t allow anyone else to go there either. You won’t trust the relationship or them.
You are much more interesting and naturally charismatic when you feel your feelings, live your passions, know and meet your need and desires. There is substance in your life that form who you are and enriches and inspires friends and lovers.
When you don’t bring YOU to the relationship, there won’t be a relationship you can count on and you will attract other people who are hiding out, while pushing away the ones who would set you free.
10 steps to Attract The Right Friends and SoulMate
- Stop being so nice and be more vulnerable and interesting. You will build your confidence and self-esteem learning to be vulnerable.
- Start being selfish and consider your needs and desires first. Get your needs met! You can’t help someone else if you can’t help yourself first.
- Stop believing everyone should like and love you. Find those friends and soulmate that really matter and get you and add to your life.
- Stop taking responsibility for other people’s happiness and pains. Other people’s problems are not yours; empower them to solve them.
- Start allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Check in every hour and ask yourself, “what am I feeling?”
- Notice and then work on letting go of any addictions and distractions like drama, chaos, or adrenaline that you get from being needed and solving other
- Set healthy boundaries, see How to Set Healthy Boundaries for Highly Sensitive People
- Realize you were born worthy and good enough.
- Be present, fully in your body, all the way down in the lower chakras-your power center
- Make your interests, passions and purpose priority, when you are full you have energy to give to others
Call me for a discovery session if you don’t understand any of these!
I’ll share specifically what is blocking you.