Everything was comfortable in my world and then I decide to step up my visibility to grow my business. I hired an assistant and PR person to work with me and don’t you know my saboteur came out swinging big time on me. It started with doubting my abilities to be successful and when that didn’t work she got even more personal it brought up my insecurities about my aging body. I started comparing my cellulite body to younger women’s bodies, making me feel frustrated, not good enough (or I’d fixed it) and sad. I was jealous; I want my younger and cellulite free body back.
Now, I’ve done a hell of a lot of work on myself over the past 13 years and even with all the work I still have the saboteur (inner wounded child) pop up out of the blue periodically saying,” your not good enough, smart enough, strong enough… to pull this off back off!”
I know there is more to me than my body. I’m in great shape and wellness for a women my age. It’s all about I’m not perfect, yet that keeps the tension, competition and high alert danger signals shooting off in my brain. And the pay off is if I were perfect NOW, I would get all the attention, reward and love I desired.
My saboteur (my inner wounded child) shows up in all sorts of ways when I’m stepping up and out into the world. She asks me, “what are you doing to us, putting us in danger of being seen, judged, or killed? What are you thinking, we can’t be a Game Changer, Rock Star, Queen…?”
“Are you sure you are ready for this success? You’ve got cellulite, your not perfect, yet. You can’t have more till you’ve earned it by being perfect, beautiful enough, good enough, smart enough, or strong enough… No one is going to love/appreciate/receive you, when you can’t even love/appreciate/receive for yourself…YET”
My saboteur keeps me playing small by draining away my energy in order to feel safe. My inner wounded child doesn’t want me to be hurt like she was when she was younger, so she attacks me first whenever I even think about stepping out and embodying more of my power, sexiness and charisma, so others won’t have the chance to hurt me first.
I know it is really shallow and crazy thinking! It’s a child’s thinking. I KNOW this is not the true me and yet it is an aspect of me. Even though I don’t fully buy into my saboteur for long periods any more it still is a distraction. A distraction that SLOWS my every step up and step out, way down until I address her wounds and take care of her.
My saboteur is not showing up to take me down, but to keep me safe. I know it isn’t rational, but my saboteur is a wounded child doing the best it can and it needs compassion and self-care to quiet down. She is terrified that I stated I was stepping up and I said I deserve to have more.
How do you sabotage yourself when you start thinking about having more and being more powerful?
What does your inner wounded child focus on when s/he doesn’t feel safe?
- critical voice, not good enough, perfectionist
- weak, not smart or strong enough
- anger, unfair, you owe me, into battle
- spinning thoughts, confusion, space, leave body
- overwhelm, victim
- Ask your inner child what s/he wants for you or for you to do and act on it. Meet their needs.
- Heal childhood traumas that you have not forgiven yourself or someone else for.
- Know you will never get rid of the saboteur because it is you (inner wounded child) but you can heal with them.